hello again. i feel like every year i say that my year was both better and worse, but i feel like thats especially true this year. cant say if its a net negative or a net positive, but im here. since this is a 2025 year in review, ill keep this in the 2025 blog tag even tho im writing this here in 2026.

for starters theres the elephant in the room: my hospitalization. i still havent fully processed it, i dont even know how to process something like that. i expect the world to keep on spinning, i expect the world to stay the same darkness. maybe my eyes are sparkly and doe-eyed with innocence as i look at the world through a dreamy haze and expect everything to be the same. when i was doing my therapy in the group program, having to admit that there are people that care about me was the hardest thing to do. i know logically that there are people that care about me, but i dont feel it. i dont mean to get all emo depresso but ive been needing to process shit. and i feel like this especially has put a barrier between me and my friends. i feel so much love for them, i dont even know if i express that, but i feel so much love that it hurts me. ive met the best people ive ever met in my life and my heart is heavy when i think about them, they mean my entire life to me. and i think thats what drove me to want to overdose that night. i feel like its impossible for this love to be reciprocated, i believe that i will always love more than i am loved. and i spiral into paranoia and delusions of betrayal. im sorry, im just rambling about this again.

and since my hospitalization, my family has known about my scars and habits, which still feels off. they arent weird about it, in fact theyre pretty supportive, but it just feels strange. we still havent really talked about it. my psychosis, delusions, and disassociation have become more frequent since my hospitalization as well. my therapist has described me as having psychotic depression, which is what i figured. but i havent told my parents about any of this yet. im not afraid of a bad reaction. im obsessive and always waiting for the "right" moment, overthinking every word out of my mouth. so i just havent told them.

as for the fun things, i feel like ive come out of my shell more and connected with music much more deeply. i went to a total of 7 shows this year, including seeing arizmenda twice!! i also started my music collection.

having a physical collection makes me feel closer to my self. being able to hold these pieces in my hand makes me feel like im holding a piece of my soul. playing them in my walkmans or in the hello kitty stereo and just laying down, listening to them, reminds me that everything will be okay. i feel the same comfort pain in my chest as i do when im with my friends. so to grow my collection, i feel like im reconnecting with my self and broadening my creative horizons.

my favorite cd ive collected this year is by far the 3 cd coffret de bijoux pack. coffret de bijoux is a project that has absolutely changed my life and my understanding of self in song. alice is incredibly skilled at transcribing her self and her experiences into music, each track makes me feel like im touching her soul and listening to her cries. im aiming to collect every release of hers that i can, so obtaining this 3-pack was really special to me.

and my favorite cassette ive collected this year is this ancient tome cassette. and the reason its so special to me is because its the first and so far only music media ive bought from a band that ive seen live. owning this makes me feel closer to my own local scene and to the music i consume.

i feel like this year has gone by both too fast and too slow. ive spent my days doing nothing but sleeping (thanks abilify) and maybe drawing and rarely playing music if im lucky. ive made it a goal this year to read more, write my own music, and start taking an online course in... something. i want to get a job but havent heard back from any of the (minimum wage) places ive applied to... until literally today, i got a call back and im supposed to be going to an interview tomorrow (TO THE JOB I WANTED THE LEAST). so theres that. with my worsening psychosis ive worried what working a job will do to me, but i need money :)).

overall, i feel like my heart has grown fuller, its more capable of love but its equally as capable of pain and breaking. i want to grip my chest in the fog. i want to hang my head in the rain. fuck this moe lyfe.

not enough things happened in november happened for me to really talk about, but i wanted to write these things every month so ill be writing about gender i guess. now i am a boy, i am binary, i am male. but there is a disconnect between me and my self that doesnt necessarily impact my view of gender, but may impact my expression in some ways.

"he/him" has always just been default; i am a boy so i use he/him. there is no joy to it, at least not anymore, now it just feels normal, its whats correct and natural for me. just as being transgender doesnt have to be experienced by dysphoria, it doesnt have to be experienced by euphoria either. i feel no joy in being a boy, it is simply my reality, it is who i am.

ive always imagined being asked how exactly "no pronouns" work, and my response would probably be "i have no idea". i guess the entire point is that it wouldnt be known or understood if no pronouns are being used. im not asking for my name to be awkwardly swapped into place of pronouns. i am an enigma, an unnameable force, an energy without existence. existence. existence has always been so uncomfortable to me. i starve myself and cut myself to exist as little and as true to my existence as possible (that makes no fucking sense). sometimes being called "he" makes me cringe, because being referred to at all feels unnatural. trying to define "no pronouns" is sort of antithetical to what it actually is, and it feels kinda badass and queer to say that you dont deserve an explanation to how to use them. so my answer is: i dont know, use your imagination.

ive contemplated using more "conventional" pronouns to sort of fill this voided pronoun. god, not "they" i fucking hate being called "they" (side rant: i have my pronouns plastered on every social media or forum im on, you have no excuse to they/them me other than being lazy). but ive contemplated "it", it fills a similar inhuman unalive nonexistent role. but i dont know. im not an "it". the point is to not be named and referred to, "it" is still a label. and god, when i was on EDtwitter i experimented with neopronouns/notneg, i used "spike" and its where i first used "no pronouns" as well. everything else aside, i appreciated having the freedom to understand and experiment on there.

i hate the expectation to be a normal human. my parents have had this expectation that just because im a boy, i would be normal. i like to think im pretty fucking masculine; i wear boys clothes, i grow out my facial hair, i carry myself in a generally masculine manner. and yet my parents have this grand theory that my long hair makes me any less masculine. I AM JUST A METALHEAD. i am a greasy no lifer. id hate to see how they would react to an actual feminine trans boy. they expect me to live a normal life and dress normal and act normal and be normal. im not even human, im their failed experiment to be a normal human being. i starve to exist as little as possible, i cut to feel more comfortable in this existence. i believe things that arent real. i am not a normal boy, i am the most abnormal boy.

so this is my first blog post. i want to do these monthly, but since this one has taken a while i want to recount everything that has happened since july, when i first created the site, including personal life and site creation. i was inspired to make this site from my best friend, stinki, it has a really beautiful site that ive used as my own reference, especially in the first draft of this sites creation. i was enthralled by the prospect of creating something from scratch, something with complete openness and creativity, something that involves a greater skillset than something like carrd or strawpage requires. i wanted to expand my skillset and create a site that is entirely my own. so in july, i created the first draft of this site. it was ugly and juvenile (even more juvenile than my site already is), but it was the first step in creating something myself and i learned a lot about creation during that first draft.

then, on august 1, i took a bunch of pills and ended up in the emergency room. i wasnt trying to kill myself, i was just going through a really rough time and wanted to hurt myself and feel sick. but it was treated like a suicide attempt by the hospital, and ive developed a bad habit of saying it was a suicide attempt to others. it was more of an accidental overdose than a suicide attempt. if i was trying to kill myself i probably wouldve gone about it a different way and i wouldnt have asked for help when i was afraid i might die. i didnt take a lethal dose of the medicine, but i was taking antidepressants and i was scared of dying from serotonin syndrome. so i went to the emergency room and got 5150d by the hospital and taken to a psychiatric ward. they had to take me by ambulance and i was passing out during the ride from exhaustion; i was awake all night and i was impossible to sleep in the emergency room. the ward i was taken to was nice i think. i had my own room. the temperature was comfortable despite it being the middle of summer. i met some really nice people there; an old man named manny that related my self harm scars to his suicide attempt scars on his neck, a middle aged man named kevin that always made sure to talk to me and defended everyone he could there, a girl named molly that despite being in her 30s had this childish nature about her that was so relatable to me and made me feel comfortable in this uncomfortable atmosphere. i was able to ask for a very shitty pencil and paper to draw on. i drew my ocs in the same situation i was in lol, in the hospital and alone.

going back home was really difficult. prior to my hospitalization, i never opened up to my family about my self harm or my mental health struggles at all. they knew i struggled i suppose, but they never knew it was to this extent. we still havent had a very thorough talk about it all, i think my hospitalization let them talk it out amongst themselves away from me. which probably isnt a good thing, but i dont like talking to my parents anyway. i still havent fully processed everything that happened then. i hate this different look that people give me now, i hate being treated differently because of what happened. i didnt die, i wish it was easy for everyone to move on and for things to return to normal. i dont wish to be better, and i think everyone expects me to want to be better. but i think thats a step anyway, to acknowledge that i dont want to be better and accepting that that is a feeling i have. so my wish to just push it all away has prevented me from really processing the depth of what happened to me. i dont have any grand feelings from then, i dont have a new burst of life. i feel like im lying when i say i want to be better to others. immediately afterward, i just felt like a ghost. my entire being felt ice-cold like i was wandering in the cold, my face frostbitten and pained.

at the end of august, i joined a group therapy program at the same hospital i went to the emergency room at actually. i was originally seeking individual therapy, but that therapist recommended i joined the group program there. i really didnt want to, the idea of being in a group setting terrified me, but i said okay because idk, she told me to. i dont stand up for myself. the group program wass very structured; for the first 2-3 weeks you attend monday-friday from 9am-3pm, and then another 3-8 weeks are monday friday and another day of your choosing from 10am-2pm. in it, we still receive individual therapy from our group therapist and we see a psychiatrist for medications. and i dont know why, but i ended up feeling very comfortable there. you were never forced to talk in the group settings, so i never talked when i didnt want to. i had great fulfillment from listening to everyone else talk. with my therapist and psychiatrist there, i got to open up for the first time about my psychosis and delusional thinking in both a professional setting but also verbally... i had never talked outloud about what i experience. and it was extremely validating to be affirmed. im on antipsychotics right now, they make me extremely tired but they curb my delusions a ton (not gone, but definitely reduced). i remember my first time stuttering out the word "psychosis", i was so shaken and afraid. until i was eventually comfortable talking about it more in the group setting. i made friends with a guy my age there, we had similar experiences and evidently similar tastes in music and media. as im writing this, i graduated from the program almost a complete week ago. it feels longer than that.

while in the program, i tried filling my time, i tried reenganging with my hobbies. it was extremely difficult to draw again, im still kind of falling back into the groove of things with that. im dedicating more time to site creation. i went to a renaissance fair in september, started visiting a nearby arcade and playing the rhythm games there, dressed up and passed out candy on halloween, went to a ska punk show in october and moshed for the first time. and what will i do now? gonna have to check out the next blog post for that.