this was my first real piece completed in a while. i know i completed countless other pieces but this one really captured the quality of what i once created. that being said, im still not actually content with it. the little things i am content with, i think the actual drawing and the skill of the rendering is up to par, but the way it all fits together im not content with. it needs to be colder, the coldness that brings you warmth and comfort in winter. the tree in the middle, aside from being a symbol of LoA in general, was supposed to represent the connection between johan and apollo but idk if that came across. i suppose i couldve added more roots extending to either side. i would like to do another piece with them, showing the connection between them [if i were to describe their connection: johan is the fog of a chill morning and apollo is the dead branches extending to the sky]. i wonder if any of the medications im taking kill creativity because it was really a struggle to finish this piece. as i am writing this half a month later, i do feel better in my creativity, so i only wonder if i needed to settle more. my post on instagram of this drawing is also totally bombing TOT, so that doesnt help my feelings about it.

this was the first piece i completed after being hospitalized and it symbolizes much of my feelings around the time. i dont like to intentionally vent through my art, but this truly was a personal piece. i wasnt even close to dying, but i felt everyone treat me with this gravity that i wasnt used to. and it reminded me of what ruby went through after her first overdose.

it was after a performance. she went home with alexei and they had sex and she stayed in bed with him, which he normally didnt allow. alexei fell asleep and ruby stayed awake. already using a lot that night, she used more. laying there, she felt her heart pound in ways that it hadnt before bababa- stop bababa- stop. her arm was in pain, her chest was in pain, she knew she was dying. she tried to reason with herself all the reasons why she should be okay with dying that night, the racing thoughts lulling her to sleep. when she awoke, she found herself still alive. she shuffled out of bed, with her heart a rotten sore muscle in her chest, and could only muster the words i overdosed last night to alexei and agnessa. she wasnt used to the tears and worry from agnessa, her girlfriend had learned to keep her worried to herself to make ruby more comfortable, but she couldnt hold back this time. and suddenly, everyone else knew too without her permission. dealing with all of their thoughts and opinions and worries was unbearable. she didnt know how to feel about being confronted with all this attention, pity, and existance. she'd often shuffle outside in the snow, her heart still aching, and experience the weight of existance... wondering if her near-death is truly as worrisome and pitiable as others treat it.

and so i related to that feeling at the time. feeling the eyes and the pity of everyone around me, on me. it felt so violating. for comfort, i related my experience to rubys and channeled that isolated feeling with this piece. it was august for me but i chose blues cause (not only was it december for ruby) but i find the cold comforting.